Burn Baby Burn
Day 1:
I was feeling pretty stressed, so I transferred a daunting to-do list out of my head and onto a blank sheet of paper. My heart began racing, so I paced the house trying to decide where to start.
It was then that Chris had the nerve to invite me to stop and have breakfast. Umm, hello?... Didn't he know how much I (and therefore he) had to do?!
I rolled my eyes, ate a piece of avocado toast, and got on with it. By the end of the day, I'd made a tiny dent in my to-do list. I celebrated with an hour of Netflix. My head hit the pillow at 8pm.
Day 2:
We drove four-hours roundtrip to the house we're in the process of purchasing. I had to actively override an impulse to work while on the road. I stared out the window, watching the desert landscape change colors with the rising altitude.
Upon arriving, I settled in for a session with a client. She and I spoke about how living in a patriarchal world often feels like an out-of-body experience. How we dissociate from our needs and desires in order to survive the demands of chronic productivity, because giving ourselves permission to tap into our deepest desires and live them without apology makes us vulnerable and unpopular. Besides, we've been abandoning ourselves for so damn long, knowing what we actually want sometimes proves to be a challenge.
I've had similar conversations with close friends (many whom are entering their perimenopausal years) about how this morphs over time into an all-consuming fire of dissent and anger late in life. I'm beginning to think that these so-called 'hot flashes' may be, at least in part, the deeper self finally rising up to say:
"Look out, y'all. I'm about to burn this godforsaken place to the ground if I don't get what I want for a change!
Enough with self-abandonment. Enough pushing through emotional resistance. Enough with all the unspoken contracts I've built my hyper-productive life around in order to sustain myself and the people I love to love. Enough with all the cultural lies that keep me feeling insecure, incomplete, and separate-from."
Day 3:
During my morning meditation, the fire inside sheds more light... saying to me:
"You are free to do what you want and live as you please... fragmenting yourself to fit inside of a broken world shall NO LONGER be your primary function."
So I got up & took another look at my to-do list & did some tweaking...
1) I decided to take my seasonal podcast break starting now.
2) I told our selling agent that, no, we simply could not appease the title company with an early move-out time.
3) I requested our buying agent break 'the rules' and forward my text message directly to the sellers of our new home transparently declaring our intentions during negotiations.
4) AND... wait for it... I decided to 'let' Chris do some of the packing. 😬 Now if I sound like a control freak, you should know that I SO AM. But only when it comes to anything I can put my hands on.
Anyhoo, why am I sharing ALL of this with you?
Because I'm really wondering...
What unspoken contract might you set fire to?
How have you been conditioned continually defy your wildly unpredictable desires in favor of stability, pretense, and productivity?
And who wants to join me & let that sh*t burn baby burn?!
🔥
I was feeling pretty stressed, so I transferred a daunting to-do list out of my head and onto a blank sheet of paper. My heart began racing, so I paced the house trying to decide where to start.
It was then that Chris had the nerve to invite me to stop and have breakfast. Umm, hello?... Didn't he know how much I (and therefore he) had to do?!
I rolled my eyes, ate a piece of avocado toast, and got on with it. By the end of the day, I'd made a tiny dent in my to-do list. I celebrated with an hour of Netflix. My head hit the pillow at 8pm.
Day 2:
We drove four-hours roundtrip to the house we're in the process of purchasing. I had to actively override an impulse to work while on the road. I stared out the window, watching the desert landscape change colors with the rising altitude.
Upon arriving, I settled in for a session with a client. She and I spoke about how living in a patriarchal world often feels like an out-of-body experience. How we dissociate from our needs and desires in order to survive the demands of chronic productivity, because giving ourselves permission to tap into our deepest desires and live them without apology makes us vulnerable and unpopular. Besides, we've been abandoning ourselves for so damn long, knowing what we actually want sometimes proves to be a challenge.
I've had similar conversations with close friends (many whom are entering their perimenopausal years) about how this morphs over time into an all-consuming fire of dissent and anger late in life. I'm beginning to think that these so-called 'hot flashes' may be, at least in part, the deeper self finally rising up to say:
"Look out, y'all. I'm about to burn this godforsaken place to the ground if I don't get what I want for a change!
Enough with self-abandonment. Enough pushing through emotional resistance. Enough with all the unspoken contracts I've built my hyper-productive life around in order to sustain myself and the people I love to love. Enough with all the cultural lies that keep me feeling insecure, incomplete, and separate-from."
Day 3:
During my morning meditation, the fire inside sheds more light... saying to me:
"You are free to do what you want and live as you please... fragmenting yourself to fit inside of a broken world shall NO LONGER be your primary function."
So I got up & took another look at my to-do list & did some tweaking...
1) I decided to take my seasonal podcast break starting now.
2) I told our selling agent that, no, we simply could not appease the title company with an early move-out time.
3) I requested our buying agent break 'the rules' and forward my text message directly to the sellers of our new home transparently declaring our intentions during negotiations.
4) AND... wait for it... I decided to 'let' Chris do some of the packing. 😬 Now if I sound like a control freak, you should know that I SO AM. But only when it comes to anything I can put my hands on.
Anyhoo, why am I sharing ALL of this with you?
Because I'm really wondering...
What unspoken contract might you set fire to?
How have you been conditioned continually defy your wildly unpredictable desires in favor of stability, pretense, and productivity?
And who wants to join me & let that sh*t burn baby burn?!
🔥
Comments
Forget About It
I walk and think, a lot. And lately, as I retrace these same dirt trails, I've been pondering the costs of self expression. The subtle-yet-profound differences between being noticed & being seen…making a statement & expressing what's real… capturing attention & making a lasting impact… seeking validation & actually adding value.
Such distinctions might seem philosophical and unnecessary to you (in all sincerity, I get that); but for me these are practical considerations; absolutely essential to my mental health and well-being. When I express myself with an investment in clicks or good favor, I become disconnected from my soul and I suffer. When I care too much about 'how it all lands', I lose faith in myself and the mysteries of life. And, perhaps most tragically amusing, it is when I turn my attention away from making any sort of impression, that I leave a mark on the world around me.
It's like this 5.4 mile trail that I have walked more times than I can count. The journey always feels different when I am so present that I forget where I am, fortuitously fail to track my progress, and discover some previously unseen treasure along the way.
Such distinctions might seem philosophical and unnecessary to you (in all sincerity, I get that); but for me these are practical considerations; absolutely essential to my mental health and well-being. When I express myself with an investment in clicks or good favor, I become disconnected from my soul and I suffer. When I care too much about 'how it all lands', I lose faith in myself and the mysteries of life. And, perhaps most tragically amusing, it is when I turn my attention away from making any sort of impression, that I leave a mark on the world around me.
It's like this 5.4 mile trail that I have walked more times than I can count. The journey always feels different when I am so present that I forget where I am, fortuitously fail to track my progress, and discover some previously unseen treasure along the way.
Wonder Woman
Each morning, I sit in meditation and it's become the best part of my day. This is no small feat. For years, movement was my meditation and sitting still felt like an unnecessary chore. But then the pandemic happened... life went sideways and out of control and I was forced to stay put indefinitely. It woke me up to something known, but not yet embodied. Instead of hustling (or chanting) to rise above the narrative, what if instead I were to sink deeper into it? There was nowhere to run, what choice did I have? I have since uncovered the freedom of embodied acceptance. Acceptance of the sort that frees me up to make more meaningful changes in my life & in the world around me.
I talk a bit about how I got here in this week's episode of The Deeper Pulse. I share about why I'm not all that into Wonder Woman... and I tell a story of the first time I surrendered my authority in the name of spiritual growth... and how (and why) it helped me to make friends with my ego in the process.
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🎧✨Episode #3 | Making Peace With Power
I talk a bit about how I got here in this week's episode of The Deeper Pulse. I share about why I'm not all that into Wonder Woman... and I tell a story of the first time I surrendered my authority in the name of spiritual growth... and how (and why) it helped me to make friends with my ego in the process.
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🎧✨Episode #3 | Making Peace With Power
Episode #3 is LIVE
"I speak with women all the time, who stand at a crossroads in their lives; conflicted and unsure about doing and saying the bold and audacious thing because their personal experience with people who do and say audacious and bold things has been painful. Shame inducing. Even marginalizing.
Well, what does this have to do with personal power? It has everything to do with it because when we don't trust power in general, we likewise shrink from the power within us.
Many of us long to express ourselves freely. But if we are sensitive and empathically wired, we may struggle to do so in ways that do not alienate others. We innately understand that expression is power. So we stay silent, rather than risk the impact that our words and actions might have on the people around us. The truth is, we simply don't have a lot of role models when it comes to personal power that doesn't seek to control or dominate. When our voice has been silenced by virtue of an authority out there, we learn to second guess our own motives and our ability to positively influence the world around us."
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🎧✨Episode #3 | Making Peace With Power
Well, what does this have to do with personal power? It has everything to do with it because when we don't trust power in general, we likewise shrink from the power within us.
Many of us long to express ourselves freely. But if we are sensitive and empathically wired, we may struggle to do so in ways that do not alienate others. We innately understand that expression is power. So we stay silent, rather than risk the impact that our words and actions might have on the people around us. The truth is, we simply don't have a lot of role models when it comes to personal power that doesn't seek to control or dominate. When our voice has been silenced by virtue of an authority out there, we learn to second guess our own motives and our ability to positively influence the world around us."
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🎧✨Episode #3 | Making Peace With Power
Broken Glass
10/04/21 06:48 Filed in: podcast | personal stories
"We moved to Tucson, Arizona, where the land stood still and where the sky turned pastel at sunset. It often reminded me of the square paint chips back at the ceramic shop. How they'd looked shattered on the concrete floor; slivered bits of color, swept into a pile along with shards of broken glass; the last remnants of a dream before it was tossed into a garbage can out back. We rented a house north of the city, not far from the Saguaro National Park. It was our first home without wheels.
I started school on the first day after winter break, and the school year had been worn in without me. The admissions office at Tortillita Junior High smelled like new carpet and fresh paint. I tried not to stare as students filed in and out of the main office. They wore designer jeans and sophisticated smiles. I'd entered a new suburban stratosphere. And in my knockoff Keds, I felt like a moving target.
I was entering midway through sixth grade at a new school triple the size of my last. I was 12 years old and I had attended seven different schools. I was accustomed to being the new girl. But this move felt different somehow. I was older. I'd hit puberty. And ever since, I'd been overcome by self-consciousness. While I had always been deeply, and sometimes painfully, in tune to those around me; at this point in my life, my sense of empathy functioned more like a protective terror. My whole body would tense up whenever I witnessed someone, anyone really, making themselves vulnerable to scrutiny. It was as if their mistake would somehow become my own; as if my sense of belonging was contingent upon everyone else's."
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🎧✨ Episode 2 | The Deeper Pulse
I started school on the first day after winter break, and the school year had been worn in without me. The admissions office at Tortillita Junior High smelled like new carpet and fresh paint. I tried not to stare as students filed in and out of the main office. They wore designer jeans and sophisticated smiles. I'd entered a new suburban stratosphere. And in my knockoff Keds, I felt like a moving target.
I was entering midway through sixth grade at a new school triple the size of my last. I was 12 years old and I had attended seven different schools. I was accustomed to being the new girl. But this move felt different somehow. I was older. I'd hit puberty. And ever since, I'd been overcome by self-consciousness. While I had always been deeply, and sometimes painfully, in tune to those around me; at this point in my life, my sense of empathy functioned more like a protective terror. My whole body would tense up whenever I witnessed someone, anyone really, making themselves vulnerable to scrutiny. It was as if their mistake would somehow become my own; as if my sense of belonging was contingent upon everyone else's."
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🎧✨ Episode 2 | The Deeper Pulse
The Light At My Back
06/04/21 06:47 Filed in: personal stories
Yesterday, I was able to make vaccination appointments for Chris & I for later this week with one quick call. Damn good timing! We are back in Fountain Hills, preparing his mama for a big move so we can put her house of 15+ years on the market. It’s a HUGE deal for her & she’s being such a trouper! Prepping for another move and home sale (three in just 4 years time) is bordering on hilarity, but we’re pros at this point! And pretty stoked to be moving into the high desert just before the worst of the summer heat descends.
One day we’ll be free to roam the world again. For now… gotta do right by family. When all is said and done, we will be living near to his mama in Cottonwood & have a home of our own again after two solid years of nomadic life. 🏠🌵Who knew we would take root near the red rocks of Sedona? Life is a delicious mystery, and today I'm feeling grateful for the light at my back.
One day we’ll be free to roam the world again. For now… gotta do right by family. When all is said and done, we will be living near to his mama in Cottonwood & have a home of our own again after two solid years of nomadic life. 🏠🌵Who knew we would take root near the red rocks of Sedona? Life is a delicious mystery, and today I'm feeling grateful for the light at my back.
Episode #2 is LIVE
"When we are reactive, we are no longer expressive. Learning how to stay above or below the storyline is the path to agency and self-expression, but we must take great care not to try and transcend our pain. We cannot spiritually bypass the deep inner work that is required of us. Trust me, I know. I spent years trying to save everyone around me from the pain living inside of me. I spent hours and weeks and months in deep devotion to spiritual teachers. I did all the things they prescribed to me. Daily meditations. Twisting my body into this posture and that. Writing affirmations for an hour every morning. But not one of those things stopped me from binging on brownie mix at night. Magical thinking will only get you so far."
🎧✨ Episode #2 | What's Your Story?
🎧✨ Episode #2 | What's Your Story?
Willing To Suck
29/03/21 06:44 Filed in: podcast | self expression
These words were spoken by a mentor of mine twenty years ago, and they have stayed with me. I lean into them for courage whenever I embark on any new expression.
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"He said to us, 'If you want to become great at anything, you have to be willing to suck at it for awhile.'
We all laughed at the time, partially because of his choice of language and mostly due to relief. And... true to form, when it came to facilitating my own classes, I did suck for quite some time. At first I was impossible to follow. I missed my cues. I would fall off the beat. I would panic and forget the choreography entirely. But over time, I conditioned myself to show up anyway...
I am here, not because I am ready, but because I feel called to be here.
If we wait until we feel ready or confident or certain; crystal clear about the next move we're about to make. If we tell ourselves that we need to master a certain skill set before embarking on any new adventure, we will never go anywhere. Courageous self-expression requires we make a move. Not later, but now."
🎧 Episode 1 | The Deeper Pulse
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"He said to us, 'If you want to become great at anything, you have to be willing to suck at it for awhile.'
We all laughed at the time, partially because of his choice of language and mostly due to relief. And... true to form, when it came to facilitating my own classes, I did suck for quite some time. At first I was impossible to follow. I missed my cues. I would fall off the beat. I would panic and forget the choreography entirely. But over time, I conditioned myself to show up anyway...
I am here, not because I am ready, but because I feel called to be here.
If we wait until we feel ready or confident or certain; crystal clear about the next move we're about to make. If we tell ourselves that we need to master a certain skill set before embarking on any new adventure, we will never go anywhere. Courageous self-expression requires we make a move. Not later, but now."
🎧 Episode 1 | The Deeper Pulse
What is Expression?
"Now in all instances, when we talk about expression and each of its variations, pressure is the common ingredient. But what is that pressure, exactly? We could devote 10 episodes to that topic, but for now, let's just call it a tension of opposites.
There are two opposing forces: the social constructs you live within, and the innate forces that live within you.
You are a unique and one-of-a-kind expression, built to be a deviation of the norm. And therein lies the tension, my dear. But here's the thing, this does not have to be bad news. Just like any form of strength training, tension makes us stronger. And what if that tension can be, in some way, seen as a benevolent force?
... What if the same force that moves the world through seasons of change, shifts the tides, spins the earth on its axis... what if that same force is the force that's moving through you? What if you are not a tourist to this planet, but an essential aspect of its unfolding.
What if your nature, your naturalness, is just as real and important and, well, 'pressing' as any other. Perhaps the pressure that builds inside of you is meant to feel like a mismatch with your environment. What if that's the whole point? What if the point is that YOU be expressed; that YOU are set loose upon the world, regardless of how many feathers it might ruffle along the way?"
🎧 Episode 1 | The Deeper Pulse
There are two opposing forces: the social constructs you live within, and the innate forces that live within you.
You are a unique and one-of-a-kind expression, built to be a deviation of the norm. And therein lies the tension, my dear. But here's the thing, this does not have to be bad news. Just like any form of strength training, tension makes us stronger. And what if that tension can be, in some way, seen as a benevolent force?
... What if the same force that moves the world through seasons of change, shifts the tides, spins the earth on its axis... what if that same force is the force that's moving through you? What if you are not a tourist to this planet, but an essential aspect of its unfolding.
What if your nature, your naturalness, is just as real and important and, well, 'pressing' as any other. Perhaps the pressure that builds inside of you is meant to feel like a mismatch with your environment. What if that's the whole point? What if the point is that YOU be expressed; that YOU are set loose upon the world, regardless of how many feathers it might ruffle along the way?"
🎧 Episode 1 | The Deeper Pulse
Episode #1 is LIVE
25/03/21 06:41 Filed in: podcast | self expression
"As a life coach, I sit across from people all the time who drum their fingers on the table wondering when our conversation might move them to perfect clarity. But here's the thing: Movement begets clarity, not the other way around. If we want to get clear, we must take the next step... and then the next and the next and the next. The fog will lift when we begin to step outside of it.
... self-expression is my greatest passion. Not because I always have faith in what I have to offer. Hardly, in fact. Most days my inner critic is hard at work. No, I self express because just like physical movement, it keeps me healthy and sane. I keep on sharing myself with the world because life has taught me that expression is the way through anything and everything that stands in my way..."
Episode #1 of my new podcast is now streaming... The Deeper Pulse with Candice Schutter.
I keep it real & serve up some bits that have freed me up to share what's in my heart with y'all.
Give it a listen, if you feel so moved.
... self-expression is my greatest passion. Not because I always have faith in what I have to offer. Hardly, in fact. Most days my inner critic is hard at work. No, I self express because just like physical movement, it keeps me healthy and sane. I keep on sharing myself with the world because life has taught me that expression is the way through anything and everything that stands in my way..."
Episode #1 of my new podcast is now streaming... The Deeper Pulse with Candice Schutter.
I keep it real & serve up some bits that have freed me up to share what's in my heart with y'all.
Give it a listen, if you feel so moved.